


Toss and Turn

by ivoughrie



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Punk Hanzo, Sleep Deprivation, oblivious Jesse, well mostly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-13 02:04:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10504170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivoughrie/pseuds/ivoughrie
Summary: Five times that Jesse helps Hanzo sleep and one time that Hanzo helps him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I started this back in January and have finally finished it. Thank you to the lovely [Tsoleil](http://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorqui) for beta reading this.

**one**

 

Jesse McCree has made his peace with his past. It’s what he tells himself, day in and day out. He repeats it like a mantra, and maybe one day he’ll start to believe it. No matter often he repeats it, it does not stop nights like these, when his memories haunt him even in his sleep until he wakes. He shoots up with a start and desperately tries to get his heart rate back to normal as he steadies his breathing and takes in his surroundings. He realizes that he is in his room in the Watchpoint and not the bunks in Deadlock, and relaxes back into his mattress. He rolls over with a groan to look at the clock, the numbers 4:14 stare back at him. It’s earlier than Jesse would like, but he knows there’s no going back to sleep now so he crawls out of bed as he resigns himself to an early morning.

 

He sees a faint light coming from the living room as he walks down the hallway, hears voices talking as he gets closer. Nothing more than the TV that’s been left on, he discovers once he enters the room. He figures someone forgot to turn it off. He goes to do that but then sees Hanzo asleep on the couch. Jesse gets it. He knows that sometimes it’s easier to have something to distract you when trying to sleep, and the sound of anything over your own thoughts can be comforting. So normally, he’d leave Hanzo alone, he’d leave the TV on, tip toe around him and leave. Normally he would, but Hanzo is tossing and turning in a way that he’s sure he is no stranger to so he sighs and walks to Hanzo quietly.

 

He crouches down so that he’s level with Hanzo and in the most calming voice that he can manage says, “Hey now, wake up, ain’t nothing more than a bad dream.”

 

It’s more difficult than he expects to talk, his voice still rough with sleep, but it seems to do the trick. Hanzo wakes and glances at him for the briefest of moments before his eyes dart around the rest of the room. Jesse lets out a breath and stands, relieved that Hanzo did not attack him as a knee jerk reaction. He’s had a few close encounters himself, often still on the defensive when he wakes. He watches as Hanzo relaxes and then looks up at him.

 

“You wanna talk ‘bout it?” Jesse asks. He’s sure he knows the answer already but he might as well offer.

 

“No.”

 

“Fair ‘nough. I’ll lend you an ear if you change your mind.”

 

Hanzo nods and Jesse offers him a smile in return as he begins to walk towards the kitchen. It’s still early and Jesse needs caffeine to function at this hour. It also gives Hanzo some alone time and an opportunity to leave without Jesse watching him. He glances through the doorway as he brews his coffee and sees that Hanzo has not left, but instead has sat up slightly and is making no motion to indicate that he will be gone when Jesse returns. Jesse sets upon making some tea as well.

 

Even still, he half expects Hanzo to be gone by the time that he returns. He isn’t. He remains on the couch, more awake but looking more and more exhausted by the second. He mumbles out his thanks as Jesse places the tea in front of him but does not meet his eyes.

 

If Hanzo is surprised by the gesture it does not show, instead he simply reaches for the cup, takes a sip and then immediately grimaces.

 

“Don’t like it?”

 

“It is fine, thank you.”

 

“You don’t gotta spare my feelins. Just gotta let me know and maybe I’ll get it right next time.”

 

Hanzo nods and Jesse sits down next to him. Initially, his plan had been to go and do some target practice. It’s nice and empty this early and Jesse can focus on nothing but him and his gun and not have to worry about anything else. But now he can tell that Hanzo’s mind is racing a million miles a minute. He’s staring at the TV but Jesse can tell that he isn’t focused, still worlds away. He knows all too well that there’s no way to easily shut off that switch after waking up from a dream like that, so Jesse starts talking.

 

“You know there’s some things that I did in Blackwatch that gets to me a helluva lot more than my Deadlock days?”

 

Hanzo looks at him.

 

“Is that so?”

 

Jesse can tell that he has his attention so he continues.

 

“Yeah, see, with Deadlock I knew that we were the bad guys. Overwatch wasn’t supposed to be like that. There were people that thought I’d be there to help ‘em and I couldn’t do anythin’. It made it worse knowin’ they were thinkin’ I was there to save ‘em and I couldn’t do a damn thing to protect ‘em.”

 

Hanzo doesn’t say anything for a while and then, “I know a thing or two about hurting people you should protect.”

 

It’s more than Jesse expected to get out of him. He had expected Hanzo to be closed off about everything in his past, but he seems surprisingly adjusted to a lot of it. That’s not to say that he’s not without his demons, Jesse _knows_ when he’s looking at a man with his fair share of demons. He’s met plenty of them and he’s not sure if he himself has ever been anything else.

 

“We all got things we regret. Wasn’t all bad. Helluva lot better than Deadlock, but it’s those things that get to you, years later.”

 

Hanzo nods and sips his tea, which Jesse is still amazed that he’s drinking. He can see the tension going out of Hanzo’s body as he begins to relax. The more that Jesse talks the more the tension goes, so he keeps talking.

 

He figures they’ve both had enough of thinking of their dark pasts, so this time he goes for the happier times. He meant it, it wasn’t all bad, he has plenty of fond memories of Overwatch. He tells Hanzo a few of his favorites of how everyone was when they were younger. He tells him of Genji, which Hanzo seems to appreciate. And he thinks that he sees Hanzo smile once or twice. And eventually he looks over and Hanzo has fallen asleep again, but Jesse doesn’t have the heart to wake him.

 

Instead he searches around for a blanket and when he can’t find one he makes a quick trip to his room and back, throws a spare one that he had laying around over Hanzo and then marches down to the shooting range like he had intended. When he returns two hours later, both the blanket and Hanzo are gone.

 

**two**

 

It’s not quite winter, but the night air is cold, reminding Jesse of its imminent approach. It wouldn’t be a problem if the safehouse had any form of heating (it doesn’t). He’s left trying to burrow for warmth under the thin blankets that have been provided and eventually he picks up his serape and tries to use that as well. It doesn’t help. They’re out in the middle of nowhere, trying not to draw attention to themselves, so it makes sense that the place wouldn’t have heat. It appears to have been abandoned for a while long before they got there, but it was what was scouted out for them.

 

He gives up on sleep eventually since it’s too cold for him to force his body to shut off in comfort. It’s this that leads him to the end of the couch out in the living room area, wrapped in his serape as he browses on his cellphone. He thought that it would be warmer, since it’s in the center and there’s no windows and it is a little, but not enough for it to make a difference. Jesse’s well lost track of the time and how little sleep he has gotten when Hanzo walks in through the front door.

 

Jesse had assumed that everyone had fallen asleep long ago and that it was just him left sitting up until exhaustion hit. But he’s run on less sleep and worse conditions before, so he’s not worried about the following day. Hanzo looks like he didn’t even try sleeping at all, unlike Jesse’s solid attempt. Jesse can see the bags under his eyes even from the couch.

 

On some level, Jesse knows that Hanzo has his shit together more than he does. He hadn’t expected him to, from what Genji had told him. But Hanzo showed up at Overwatch ready to give them a chance, and seemed to have forgiven himself more than Genji had assumed, or at least had made decent progress. Again, though, Jesse knows a man with demons when he sees one. He doesn’t doubt for a second that Hanzo still has some regrets, no matter how well he masks it.

 

“Evenin’,” he says when Hanzo’s eyes land on his.

 

“Good evening. Why are you not asleep?”

 

“Too damn cold to sleep.”

 

Hanzo nods and then proceeds to take a seat next to him, surprising Jesse who had expected to be ignored after the pleasantries.

 

“Where have you been?”

 

“I was checking the area. You cannot be too careful.”

 

“Anyone ever told ya that you’re awfully paranoid?”

 

“Once or twice,” Hanzo smiles, “But you have to be in my line of work.”

 

“I hear ya, but you take it to a whole new level.”

 

“It is surprising that you do not considering your bounty.”

 

Jesse shrugs, “Ah, so you _have_ heard of me?”

 

“It’s wise to know the company you keep.”

 

“Can’t argue that. But I prefer to make my own opinions.”

 

“It’s good to have a basis.”

 

“I suppose so. So you gonna tell me why you really ain’t sleepin’?”

 

“Are you?”

 

“Like I said, it’s cold. That’s the honest truth this time. I’d tell ya if it were anythin’ different.”

 

“I am no longer used to sleeping in odd places.”

 

Jesse nods, he knows the feeling well enough, and he knows that he shouldn’t push. Hanzo has talked to all of them enough but he needs, no, he _wants_ Hanzo to trust him. It’s then that he sees Hanzo shiver.

 

“I told ya that it’s cold.” Jesse says, throwing one end of his serape towards him. He tries very hard to keep his face level when Hanzo, against all odds, accepts it and then moves closer to him.

 

“When’s the last time you got some proper rest?”

 

He doesn’t expect Hanzo to answer it, not really, he expects him to avoid it altogether, because he has no reason to trust Jesse. Not really, he has no reason to tell him anything at all but then he says, “It’s been a few days.”

 

“Wanna tell me what’s troublin’ you?”

 

There’s a long pause while Hanzo bites his lip, and Jesse’s sure that he’s playing with the tongue ring that he’s gotten glimpses of occasionally, something that he does as a nervous habit. “I do not know,” he responds.

 

“No pressure. Like I said, I’m here if ya ever wanna talk ‘bout it. Might understand some of it.”

 

“You might.”

 

“The area all clear then?” Jesse looks at Hanzo, eyes gleaming in the low light.

 

Hanzo stares back, head tilted. “Hmm? Yes.”

 

“Good, now I can rest easy knowin’ I won’t be eaten by bears,” he jokes.

 

“I do not think they have bears in this region,” Hanzo says as though he’s seriously trying to remember if there are.

 

“Well that’s a damn shame. Always wanted a good bear story.”

 

“You can ask to be stationed with bears next time.”

 

“I will turn down any mission without ‘em.”

 

Hanzo actually laughs at that, under his breath, just a bit but Jesse hears it and it warms his heart. He feels a tug of something that he’s been feeling for a while and has to push it back. He’s not the man that he needs to be, and he’s not sure if he ever will be.

 

So instead he continues talking, because if companionship like this is all that he can get for now it is something that he will easily accept. He will take whatever he can get. It’s been a long while since he’s felt that pull towards someone, and he doesn’t want to act on it but he can’t resist taking what comes at him.

 

Hanzo falls asleep on one end of the couch not too long after they begin talking. Jesse thinks that it’s not a comfortable angle to sleep at, but yet again he can’t bring himself to wake him. Instead he leaves Hanzo as is and heads back to his bed, hoping that he’ll be able to ignore the cold for long enough to get at least a couple of hours in.

 

**three**

 

It’s the fact that Jesse has not seen Hanzo all day that leads him in front of his door. A couple of months ago he would not have thought anything of it. But now he and Hanzo are friends, and Jesse has almost come to expect to see Hanzo daily and well before the afternoon. He expects it, and now he feels Hanzo’s absence like a bullet to the britches. He knows Hanzo isn’t out on a mission, which makes his absence all the more concerning. He knocks on the door before he can second guess standing in front of it at all and waits. When he doesn’t hear anything, he knocks again and says, “Hanzo, you in there darlin’?”

 

“Jesse?”

 

“Yeah, it’s me. Can ya let me in?”

 

He hears a muttering behind the door that he can’t make out and hears the click of the electronic lock..He pushes it open and lets it close behind him, giving his eyes a moment to adjust to the dim light. The blinds are drawn on the one small window,  and all of the lights are off. Jesse can see Hanzo still laying in bed, but not much else. He never thought that he’d see the day that Hanzo was laying in bed past noon, and yet that here it is, plain as day.

 

“Unlike ya to sleepin.”

 

“I have not been sleeping,” Hanzo responds, and Jesse can hear the sick in his voice.

 

“Not feelin’ well?”

 

Hanzo just groans, and a brilliant blue light lights up the room. Jesse blinks and realizes that it’s coming from Hanzo’s arm. The tattoo lights up the whole room for only a brief moment before fading, leaving a dim glow only bright enough to highlight Hanzo’s face. Jesse can now see that his face looks puffy and red, his hair is a mess, and yet  the first thought that springs to mind is _beautiful._ The way that the light glows off of Hanzo makes something in Jesse’s heart clench. He pushes the thought away, tells his heart to settle down, it’s not the time and again Jesse is not the man that he wants to be.

 

Hanzo must notice him staring.  

 

“They are harder to control currently.”

 

Jesse has never asked about the dragons, though not because he hasn’t been curious. He’s curious still, but never thought that it was his place. Genji has only told him some things and it didn’t come up too often. Jesse had not known that they had required control before now. He doesn’t bother to ask anything else, pleased enough that Hanzo shares any sort of information with him at all. He looks at Hanzo, who has closed his eyes but is still turned towards him.

 

“Let me take care of you. I’ll make you some soup and tea.”

 

Hanzo lets out a hum in agreement. “Have Genji make the tea.”

 

“Oh come on now! It’s just tea. It ain’t that hard, and there ain’t no way that it was actually that awful last time.”  

 

Hanzo opens his eyes and gives him a look that Jesse thinks is supposed to be a glare. It doesn’t work in his current state, just comes across as pitiful instead so Jesse sighs and relents, “Fine. I can have Genji make the damn tea.”

 

With that he walks out of Hanzo’s room and makes his way towards the kitchen to get everything that he needs. Jesse had plans for the day, he knows, but he can’t seem to remember what they were now that he’s determined to take care of Hanzo. Like many other thoughts lately, he pushes that one away. He can get back to whatever he was supposed to be doing later. Luckily Genji is in the kitchen already so Jesse doesn’t have to track him down. He doesn’t ask many questions when Jesse asks him to prepare tea either.

 

He walks back into Hanzo’s room with the soup and tea as promised. He looks over to the lump in the bed and wonders if Hanzo had managed to fall asleep in the time that he was gone. It’s when he walks closer that he notices the blanket. _His blanket._ The one that Jesse had covered Hanzo with months ago. He doesn’t mention it. Instead he sets the tray down on the bedside table.

 

“Still with me, darlin?”

 

“I am awake.”

 

“Alright. Just gotta get through this and I can let you sleep.”

 

Hanzo nods and manages to sit up. Jesse’s unsure of what to do with himself but in the end he sits down on the floor next to Hanzo’s bed. Hanzo doesn’t ask him to leave, and Jesse figures that he’s fine here for now.

 

They sit in silence for a while. Jesse has learned how to like the silence. He doesn’t get comfortable silences often, and right now with Hanzo it certainly is one. It doesn’t take long until Hanzo sets both the soup and tea aside, prompting Jesse to go find him water and medicine as he takes the tray out of the room. After Hanzo drinks the medicine, Jesse makes to leave and let Hanzo rest but stops when he hears Hanzo speak quietly.

 

“Could you,” there’s a pause, “Speak to me, for a while?”

 

At any other time, Jesse would tease a bit before giving in to his wishes. Instead he says, “Of course I can.”

 

He sits back down beside the bed where he had been previously and begins talking. Jesse has always been good at talking about anything that came to mind. This time he focuses on stories he has of others being sick. Some of them were too stubborn for their own good and ended up on the field when they were ill. At a point, he sees the dragons light the room  blue again, and realizes he’s not sure if he’ll ever get used to it. He talks until he hears Hanzo’s breathing even out, assuring Jesse that he has fallen asleep. Jesse stands and moves the blankets around so Hanzo is tucked in more, and then leaves the room.

 

He does not think of the fact that Hanzo likes hearing him talk. He does not think of how him talking until Hanzo falls asleep is becoming a common occurrence. He does not think of how beautiful Hanzo looks under the blue light of his dragons, and how soft Jesse’s heart is for a man such as himself.

 

**four**

 

It’s on a rare night that Jesse has no troubles falling asleep. It’s on a night where he’s able not to be too troubled by his past, and goes to sleep easy. This does not stop him from being awake at 4AM. He’s awoken by the sound of his phone, something that he normally doesn’t have on loud enough to wake him, but it’s ringing loudly tonight. He stares at the name on the screen: _Hanzo._

 

And then he proceeds to panic.

 

Hanzo has been gone for a few weeks. Jesse has not heard from him aside from the occasional text message, and he definitely has not heard from him this late at night. There aren’t many reasons why someone would call him in the middle of the night, and of the few none of them are good.

 

“Hanzo? Everythin’ alright?” He asks when he answers, trying to keep the panic out of his voice, but he’s sure he doesn’t succeed.

 

“Yes.”  

 

There’s a long enough pause that Jesse goes, “Are ya sure?”

 

“Yes.” Then a pause again, “I cannot sleep.”

 

Jesse feels the relief spread through him, that it was not anything more. There were a thousand different scenarios that ran through Jesse’s head in the mere seconds that it took him to answer the phone, but the only reason Hanzo called him is because he’s having trouble sleeping.

 

“What’s troublin’ you?”

 

There’s a frustrated noise and then a sigh. “This mission is beginning to feel like a waste of time.”

 

“Sure darlin’, I know the feeling. There’s been many missions that I’ve been on that it seems like there’s a whole lot of waitin’ and not nearly enough action,” Jesse says, as he sits up fully in his bed. “Sometimes it feels like waitin’ is all you do but you can’t ever stop being ready. Sometimes nothin’ comes of it and you’ll get called back, but it’s never actually a waste. It ain’t all bad, you know. Some of my favorite missions were ones where all I did was a lot of waitin’. Got to see plenty of places. Sometimes you can almost forget that you’re there for a job and what’s wrong with the world and start to enjoy yourself.”

 

What Jesse doesn’t say is that on those missions he could pretend that he was the man that he wants so desperately to be. When he’s far away enough from everything else, when he can ignore things that he’s done. It’s easier to pretend in those situations.

 

“Tell me about those missions?”

 

“Ah, it ain’t nothin’ excitin’. I’m sure you don’t wanna hear about that.”

 

“I do.” There’s a pause and then, “I enjoy hearing you speak.”

 

It’s not the first time that Hanzo has asked him to talk to him as he tries to sleep. However, Jesse’s heart stutters at the words because it is the first time that Hanzo has told him so clearly that he actually enjoys it when Jesse talks. It was something that he had been aware of, on some level, but hearing the words makes it seem different nonetheless.

 

“Is that your way of saying you like the sound of my voice? You’re gonna make me blush darlin’.”

 

Jesse can practically hear the eyeroll that’s surely accompanied by the sigh floating through the receiver.

 

“Fine, fine. I can tell ya a bedtime story. What’s the time over there?”

 

“Close to midnight?”

 

Before Jesse can respond Hanzo interrupts, “Did I wake you? Apologies, I did not think when I-“

 

Jesse cuts him off, “Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’m wide awake. Now as I was sayin’....”

 

He tries not to think about the fact that Hanzo did not even consider the time before he called. Hanzo could not sleep and he called Jesse without taking enough time to hesitate and consider the timezone. He tries not to think about it, instead focuses on his stories. He’s done this plenty of times and he has plenty of stories to tell. It’s easy enough to forget that it’s early in the morning for him when Hanzo is asking him to talk. It’s easy enough to forget that he should be trying to sleep. He doesn’t even realize how tired he is until he hangs up the phone hours later, having gotten to the point where Hanzo stopped giving small responses, just enough noise to let Jesse know that he was still listening. He hangs up when he hears nothing but the sound of breathing, and lets sleep overtake him again.

 

**five**

 

If Jesse were asked years ago if he had friends he would have laughed. Who would want to be friends with a murderer? Deadlocks didn’t have friends. Deadlocks didn’t have anyone outside of the gang. It was easier not to involve anyone else.

 

In Overwatch, he eventually learned how to make friends. That much has not changed in the years that he’s been absent, in the years that Overwatch has been gone.

 

Which is how he ends up getting dragged to a movie night, because he now has people that want to willingly spend time with him outside of missions. This includes Hana Song, who insisted that he join them, and Jesse isn’t very good at saying no to her.

 

Jesse doesn’t say no. Instead what he does is when he sees Hanzo, he grins at him and persuades him to agree to movie night as well.

 

They end up playing a drinking game through the movie, though Jesse honestly can’t keep track. He’s not even sure what the movie _is_. He forgot that he’s even supposed to be paying attention to it half an hour in. Hanzo is sitting close enough to him that their legs are touching and it is absorbing all of his focus.

 

Jesse has forgotten about the game entirely, at this point, and has instead decided to drink at his own pace. Hanzo, to Jesse’s surprise, plays along. Jesse watches in awe as he downs a surprising amount of shots in rapid succession.

 

He becomes more aware of Hanzo’s presence then, because it seems that the more that Hanzo drinks, the more determined he is to be in Jesse’s personal space. Jesse swears that the room was not this warm just moments ago, and he has not had nearly enough alcohol to explain how hot he is feeling currently. He excuses himself, says he needs a refill even though there are plenty of bottles to pour from within his reach, and runs to the kitchen.

 

Jesse McCree is a grown man. There is no reason for him to be acting like a lovestruck teenager, and yet he just ran out of a room because that is exactly what he’s acting like. He gives himself a moment to gather his thoughts and to remind himself to act like a grown man. Just when he’s ready to go back out, Hanzo walks in.

 

Hanzo is very noticeably drunk. Jesse never thought he’d see the day, but Hanzo is standing in front of him, drunk, because of a movie night organized by Hana Song. All of this easily explains why Hanzo is walking towards him with a determined look on his face. And when Hanzo finally reaches Jesse, he hugs him.

 

Jesse had _just_ managed to get his heart to calm down, but now it skyrockets back up to full speed again as Hanzo embraces him. They’ve hugged before, a few times. When they’re been apart for long on separate missions, but it’s never lasted this long and it’s never felt this intimate. Jesse knows for a fact that Hanzo has never nuzzled his face into his shirt the way that he is intent on doing now. Hanzo lets out a small contented noise, and Jesse can feel him relax against him.  Jesse finally returns the hug, and Hanzo continues digging his face into Jesse’s shirt.

 

“You alright, darlin’?”

 

He feels Hanzo nod against his chest, but he makes no move to let go of Jesse.

 

“I think I need to rest,” he says against Jesse’s shirt, and Jesse can feel Hanzo’s breath as he talks, warm, and he’s certain that Hanzo can hear the rapid pounding of his heart.

 

“Sure thing, sweetheart. Let’s get you to bed,” Jesse says, because he wholeheartedly agrees that Hanzo should sleep, if for no other reason than it would be good for Jesse’s sanity.

 

Jesse pulls out of the embrace and he swears that he hears Hanzo make a noise of disappointment at the loss of contact, but he’s also sure that he cannot walk Hanzo to his room if he continues to hug him. Instead he goes and pours a glass of water and finds the painkillers, and then begins to walk Hanzo down the hall. They have to walk past the movie night party and Jesse hopes that they’ll go unnoticed.

 

They do, mostly. But Hana gives them a questioning look as they walk past that Jesse is sure he’ll hear about later. Hanzo hangs off him the entire time as they walk and Jesse is eager to get him to sleep.

 

Hanzo practically falls into his bed the moment that they get in through the doors. It’s then that Jesse notices that the tattoo is glowing  blue again. He makes a note of it in his mind, _things that make Hanzo lose his composure_ , not knowing if it’ll ever be useful information. He lets Hanzo get into bed, and then sets down the water and hands Hanzo the pills.

 

“You just gotta drink this, then I’ll go,” he says.

 

Hanzo does as he’s instructed. Jesse watches him drink, and once he’s sure that he has Hanzo will be okay for the rest of the night he prepares to leave.

 

“I’ll get going then. You rest up.”

 

Except then Hanzo grabs his hand, and says, “Stay.”

 

He scoots over on his bed, and pats the spot next to him.

 

“I should go.”

 

Hanzo grabs his arm and pulls him down, and Jesse resigns himself to his fate. He has no idea how to deal with a drunk Hanzo. Not to mention that Hanzo is apparently an affectionate drunk, and he knows how to deal with _that_ even less.

 

“I seem to get more rest when you’re around,” Hanzo mumbles, then promptly falls asleep like he hadn’t just made Jesse’s heart do backflips in his chest.

 

**plus one**

 

It is well after 1AM and Jesse is wide awake. He’s been staring at his ceiling for hours, begging his mind to shut off. But every time he shuts his eyes he’s reminded of something else he’s done that he can never undo. And there’s plenty of things that he regrets, he knows that the list won’t run out anytime soon. There will be another one every time that he shuts his eyes well into the morning. He’s made his peace with his past, still doesn’t believe it. Tonight he believes it even less than he normally does. He rubs at his eyes, sighs and gets out of bed.

 

Atop the base, there’s a spot at Watchpoint that gives him a good view of the city. Lets him overlook the lights at night and think of the people that live there. Lets him pretend that he could have been one of them, sitting in a home with the lights turned on, and that he didn’t live the life that he has. Except when he gets there, it’s Hanzo that he sees first and not the city lights.

 

“We gotta stop meetin’ like this, darlin’.”

 

“Why are you awake?” Hanzo asks as Jesse walks closer to him.

 

Jesse shrugs. “Nothin’ unusual. Just the regular difficulties. What about yourself?”

 

“We just returned. I needed some fresh air.”

 

“It’s always good to clear your head after,” Jesse agrees. There have been more times than he can count when he’s come back from a mission and struggled cleansing everything off of himself. Even though Overwatch is good, it does not mean that everything he does is good. Not even today. Not even though he’s no longer in Blackwatch. It doesn’t wash away the past. Jesse would like to be a good man, but he knows that is isn’t one and he long ago stopped believing that he ever could be. Instead he accepts it and tries to pretend that he is someone better than he actually is, when he knows it’s a lie.

 

Jesse lights his cigarillo, takes a puff of it and then hands it off to Hanzo, who, to Jesse’s surprise, takes it without question. He takes a puff, makes a disgusted face like the cigarette has personally affronted him and states, “You must have better cigars.”

 

Jesse laughs. “Might be able to find better. But I ain’t ever minded these.”

 

Under the dim light Jesse can’t see Hanzo too well, but he can tell even now that he looks more rested than normal. Especially considering that he’s just returned from a mission, and Jesse knows that none of them sleep particularly well when they’re away on one.

 

Then he realizes that he’s been standing in silence, staring at Hanzo for a while without saying anything but Hanzo has been staring back at him and neither have bothered to break it.

 

It’s then that he thinks, _fuck it._

 

He moves into Hanzo’s space slowly, gives him a chance to move away, to step away, to do anything to indicate that Jesse should stop. But Hanzo keeps looking at him, does not break eye contact, and when Hanzo does not move away Jesse goes to cup his face into his hands. He waits, gives him another chance, and Hanzo doesn’t shy away from his touch. Jesse thinks that he can see a dim glow shining up and reflecting onto Hanzo’s collarbone, and he wonders if he’s making Hanzo nervous, if the dragons are acting up. But Hanzo stays put and looks up at him, expectantly, waiting for Jesse to make the move. So he does.

 

He closes his eyes and the rest of the distance between them and kisses him. Hanzo kisses him back without hesitation, and Jesse feels himself relax into it. He thinks of how long he’s wanted to do this, how long he’s resisted. He pulls Hanzo flush up against him as he kisses him deeper, now that he’s certain. He had been mostly sure that he was not misreading the situation, but that doubt was still there, that doubt that Hanzo didn’t want this and would run away.

 

He doesn’t run away. Instead he kisses Jesse back, softly as though it’ll be Jesse that runs if he kisses him too fast.

 

When they finally part, Hanzo is smiling.

 

“You taste like my smokes.”

 

“You said you liked them.”

 

“I do. Tastes better on ya too.”

 

He goes back in to kiss him again, because he can. He can and Hanzo won’t run away. Hanzo won’t tell him that he’s not a good man. Hanzo seems to actually like kissing Jesse, and while he kisses him it’s difficult to remember all the reasons why Jesse had avoided this for long, why he had denied himself something that he wanted for this long.

 

He pulls away after a while, and Jesse can clearly see the light from Hanzo’s tattoo spilling out onto his collarbone.

 

 _Things that make Hanzo lose his composure: Jesse McCree,_ he notes with a sense of smugness.

 

A clap of thunder comes from above, breaking the moment, and Jesse frowns at the sky.

 

“We should head inside.”

 

“Reckon so.”

 

That night, Jesse asks Hanzo to talk to him until he falls asleep. It helps. He still can’t shut off the thoughts, they’re still there, but they’re further back, and he can forget about them for a while. He’s able to fall asleep to the sound of Hanzo’s voice. He’s still not the man that he wants to be, but for the first time he thinks maybe he doesn’t have to be.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr [here](http://ivoughrie.tumblr.com/) :)


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